Exercise 4
Instructions
Monitor your emotional life. Notice whenever you are in a situation that makes you feel at least somewhat conflicted – whenever you are in a situation where one part of you seems to be at odds or in disagreement with another part of you. Analyze yourself in this situation using Plato’s theory of the tripartite soul. In particular, write a short story that features Appetite, Reason, and Spirit. These are the only three characters. Identify what each part is saying to you in this situation. Then write the story in a way where Appetite, Reason, and Spirit are telling you whatever they are telling you in your actual situation. The story does not need to include anything other than this dialogue. You can use whatever tone or style of speaking you want for Appetite, Reason, and Spirit. Just make sure that this really is what your Appetite, Reason, or Spirit is saying. Make sure you have properly categorized the movements in your mental life as Appetite, Reason, or Spirit. In other words, try not to say that Reason is saying something that actually it is your Spirit saying. Try to get the identifications correct. Set a timer for 15 minutes, then start this exercise. If you discover that you want to keep writing after the 15 minutes, keep going. The important thing is to write for at least 15 minutes. (Note: there is no pressure to include details that you would prefer not to include. Just be vague about them or use a variable, if you would like.)
This is a pretty heavy topic. Please take care of yourself when reading if you are an especially empathetic person.
I have not seen my mum in about 11 years. She left when I was a kid, for reasons I shouldn't share because they are very dark. To give at least some context: she no longer lives in the US and if she had continued to, she would be doing so in jail. Anyway, she sent me an email every year or so, usually sometime around my birthday, and some of those times I would reply harshly or not at all. In my teenage years, I didn't reply for a long time. Maybe a few years. I regret doing that, I think it was harsh, and these days I feel some pity for her situation. Still; I am strongly conflicted because I don't think there's a good way to help by doing anything. When I was younger, my attitude was probably driven by appetite. I was angry, I was hurt, I was more driven by a need to prove to her that she was a bad person and had unjustly hurt me and that I was better than her; this is a bit similar to the 'is it better to do injustice or have injustice done to you' thing from class. I seemed to think it better to suffer. Generally, I still do, but I try not to put people down so much anymore. As a note to that: I have forgiven almost everyone that has wronged me. I have not yet forgiven myself for a few of the times I've wronged someone else.
Some component of not writing her comes from pride and spirit, but as I've gotten older that pride supported my 'reason' and my reasoning and control of emotions undoubtedly got better. I didn't fight her, I wasn't rude, I asked for space and then took it for myself. That I do not regret. I gave myself time to grow, to forgive, and mostly to forget about it. I'm not plagued by it on a daily basis anymore and haven't been for quite some time. Those decisions were very valuable for me! They fit well within the 'reason' part of my soul, being the overall 'good' decision. I feel healthy with regards to it.
About a year ago, I decided to write her back. This wasn't something I did for myself; there was no overall good for me in doing so. I was in such a strong position in my life socially and mentally that I had the confidence and the courage to take on the extra weight of repairing a damaged relationship. This was spirit. Adding her back into my life would create some amount of drama and difficulty regardless of how well it was handled. I felt like if I were able to help her it would be good for my image. The rest of my family would revere me. In the last decade I haven't seen them much, and the times I did I saw them mostly in secret as to not disturb their relationship with her.
After speaking to her once a week or so for about a month, she asked for me to fly to australia to meet her. I declined, both being busy and feeling uneasy about it, and she almost immediately 180'd. She did what I can only really describe as "relapsing" into how she used to act--spouting abuse at me, citing the flaws in my life that I was actively working on in an attempt to put me down, clowning on me for being cheated on by my (now ex) girlfriend, and finally advising me to "do even more drugs" and succeed in killing myself (based on things I had told her about my struggles with depression, suicide, and other things). This disappointed me and left me wondering if I would ever be able to help her--after nearly a decade, which had seen a lot of growth for me, it seemed that she hadn't really gotten better.
It's now been a while again since I've replied to her. She sent me an email to apologize around new years, begging to be let back into my life. I still feel a bit guilty; though maybe that isn't the right word. Perhaps it's just pity. I wouldn't want to be locked out of my child's life either. I don't know which part of my soul is controlling that. Is that my spirit? Is that my appetite? I'm not really sure. I do know that, for now, reason dictates I should be stable and stay focused on school and my personal life. At some point I did write a long list of guidelines for her to try again at having a healthy, controlled relationship with me, mainly just asking that a therapist review anything she writes before it's sent to me so that she still has a place for emotional grievances, but not in a vengeful way. I think writing that email was not particularly kind, I reflected on it and felt like I was putting myself above her, demanding control over her actions in exchange for a relationship. That list of things I wrote felt like prideful demands. Reflecting on it, I didn't like the power dynamic.
That's the end of it, though. I didn't really figure out what to send. I haven't figured out a great solution that balances healthy guarantees without enforcement. I'd like for her to just be healthy and kind, but it's very clear that it's hard for her and I don't feel like I have the time or bandwidth to support that right now. At the end of the day, the rational part of me won over, and I haven't sent anything back. I concluded that saying nothing is probably better for me and less painful for her than offering a deal and possibly going back on it if it's not good for me.
